Call me. Maybe.

A friend called me yesterday to chat, and while we were talking she apologized for not reading my blog lately.

I said, “GIRL…..”(Please, if you’ll indulge me, imagine me as a drag queen saying that, because that’s what I really want to sound like in real life.)

Also, if you’re not a female reading this, it’s okay. When I speak like a drag queen, I’m talking to all of you, and apparently we’re all called GIRL, even if we’re boys. It’s possibly my favorite thing about drag queens.

But back to my friend. First of all, I haven’t even posted anything on the blog lately, so there’d be nothing new here for her to read. Is it because I’m too busy working out and growing my own vegetables and excelling at my career and focusing on my personal development? Um, yeah. Let’s go with that.

What I really wanted to tell my friend is that I was not concerned with her reading the blog, but I was actually so impressed with her because she had literally called me on the fucking phone. I mean, that right there is awe-inspiring. That makes her amazing, in my opinion. Like drag-queen majestic.

See, making phone calls is hard for me. I can’t explain why. Calling friends is hard enough. What if they really don’t want to talk to me right now, but they just don’t want to tell me? And calling to ask a question of a stranger, like an actual person at a store or restaurant, that’s actually hard. I have to rehearse what I’m going to say.

Calling a doctor’s office?! Are you out of your goddamn mind? Until last summer, I hadn’t been for a yearly exam in over four years. I’m not even afraid of doctors. I’m afraid of calling doctors.

So I guess that makes me afraid of receptionists, technically.

Just making myself look up a phone number to speak to a stranger starts the anxiety. Usually, I look the number up online and leave the tab open for a few days until I decide one of the following things:

• I really didn’t need that thing at all.
• They’re probably busy right now.
• If they really wanted me to know, they would’ve posted the information on the Internet.
• I need to do this via email so I have a record of this conversation.
• It’s really not worth my time to take care of this.

That last one is tough because really, what is my time worth? Not as much as I’d like to think it is, I suspect. Wanye (rhymes with Kanye) is always saying things like, “Just call and see if they’ll waive the late fee. It’s the first time you’ve ever paid late. I do it all the time.”

Wait a minute there, buddy. Call someone and talk about MONEY? That’s definitely the worst, most horrific type of phone call of all. Call and speak to a customer service representative? And admit that I paid my bill late? And see if she’ll give me my money back?

What kind of excuse will I come up with? Can I tell her my dog died, even though that happened last September? What if she says no? What will I say then? Another lie? And all while knowing that this call is being recorded for quality assurance?

No, thank you.

Not that this is my only issue, mind you. But it’s one of the ones that seem the most ridiculous, and it causes me a decent amount of shame.

Maybe you think this is ridiculous, too, but is it possible you have some other thing that you find hard to do? I’d really like to think that everyone has something. I think I need to think that everyone has something.

Something that’s technically (like, not against the rules of nature or physics) easy to do, but it’s hard for you to do. Flying? Driving? Riding in an elevator? Getting blood drawn? Killing a spider? Going to the gym? Telling someone you love them? Trying on a swimsuit? Asking for something you deserve? Speaking in public? (Hilariously, I find that one easy. I do it for a living. Life is so incredibly strange, isn’t it?)

In fact, if you don’t have any issues at all, you probably shouldn’t be reading this and you really belong on a different website. You’re wasting your time here.

But, hey, can we all agree to something? Let’s all stop being ashamed of our hard things. If we can each do one hard thing, whenever we can, we should be proud of ourselves. Whatever your hard thing is. Maybe not this week, or this month. Or this year.

And even if you can’t do your hard thing—not ever? Can we agree not to shame someone else about not doing their hard thing? Not ever?

Life is hard enough when we judge ourselves. But when, on top of that, someone we care about doesn’t get it—because their hard thing is not the same as ours—it makes it even more painful. And that causes even more separation. I think we can all agree that the last thing this world needs right now is more separation.

P.S. Monet Xchange, my favorite drag queen of all time, if you’re reading this—Call me, GIRL. (Because I can’t call you.)