I mean it. I don’t know much about being single, since three witches kidnapped me from my castle when I was a child and assigned me a husband. But I do know something about being married, and it’s pretty great.
For one thing, if you’re married to a person who needs constant attention, you never have to worry about being lonely. I, for example, have a devoted sleuth that follows me from room to room to check on me. Just this morning he beat on the bathroom door while I was in the shower to ask me what I was doing.
Also, if you’re married to someone who knows everything there is to know, they can give you advice on doing pretty much anything you can think of. It’s super-fun and helpful. My own husband thinks he knows how much it should cost to have my hair cut and highlighted. It’s truly amazing. He even knows more about HAIR than I do, even though he was irresponsible enough to misplace his own like twenty years ago.
But really, the best part about being married is that you have someone to blame everything on.
- There’s pee on your toilet seat? Clearly his fault.
- There are half-finished projects inside and outside of your house, proving to everyone how trashy you are? Also his fault.
- Other couples never invite you to hang out? His fault.
- Your children aren’t perfect? Oh, yeah—that’s definitely the half of the genes that they only got from him.
- You aren’t happy? This one’s the best. You actually never have to take one ounce of responsibility for your own happiness, because it is definitely not your fault.
If you don’t like the way you look, or you hate your job, or didn’t follow your dreams, it’s definitely due to that other person, the one who’s been sleeping beside you for so many years, poisoning you by their very presence. Surely you would have done everything better if it weren’t for that person.
Look, I might be the only one who does this. I might only be talking about myself, and not at all about you.
Also, blaming my own issues on my husband has probably been a little bit easier for me than it is for most people. Wanye (rhymes with Kanye) has publicly made himself known to be a ridiculous person with a huge personality. Everything he wears (or drives) is emblazoned with an Oakland Raiders logo, and he’s loud and obnoxious and doesn’t care what people think.
Also he has this stupid face. Everything is definitely his fault. Who wouldn’t believe me?
